Emmanuela: introduction and problem description
November 2009, first contact with Linda Evans.
My name is Emmanuela. I was surfing on the internet when I came across Linda Evans’s website. I noticed the offer of free therapy in exchange for the presentation of the treatment on her website. 
I was very interested. I called her and she explained one thing and another to me. I filled out the questionnaire and e-mailed it to her. Next there was a test treatment. We didn’t meet, we had contact by telephone.
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Introduction
I’m Emmanuela. I’m 36 years old. I was born in Chili in 1974 and mid 1975 my parents emigrated to Belgium due to the political situation.
I started dancing when I was five years old and I have continued to do so until I was 13. Dancing was my life, I had talent and later I wanted to work as a ballet dancer. In spite of my talent, I didn’t pass the exams of a ballet school for professionals because I didn’t have the right physique (too muscled, too broad).
I have never done my best for school, it didn’t interest me and I wanted to do different things as a teenager (especially parties and being away from home in order to explore the world a little). I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and study, or even do anything for school, like tasks, speaking engagements, I didn’t put any effort in it at all. Studying for exams equalled quickly reading through the study material at the most and even that only happened sporadically. Consequently I haven’t graduated from secondary school.
When I was 21, I had my son. My relationship at the time was stable, we had already been together for three years. However, we broke up when I was 24.
My father passed away when I was 23, which was dreadful/I found it dreadful.
I have done all kinds of jobs, but because of my interest in cosmetics my acquaintances always asked me why I didn’t do something in that direction to earn my living.
At a certain moment I was so tired of working in an office that I decided to go and study beauty care and to quit that office work.
I started taking evening classes in beauty care and I have taken many different courses of massage and reflexology.
I couldn’t bring myself to study in these either.
I didn’t graduate as a beautician, but I did graduate in various forms of massage and reflexology. I have worked as a beautician and a masseuse for a number of years, which I enjoyed and I also used to be good at my job, but I have always had a feeling of doubt as to whether I wanted to do this for the rest of my life.
Last year I started thinking about starting to study. Around that time (February-March) I started to get a lot of pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows and shoulders (due to the massaging). This was a sign to me, I would have to find something else to do. In August I knew I wanted to study biology and then I have taken steps to help me in that direction.
A couple of years ago my son reached puberty, our relationship is full of tension and quarrels and conflicts. He’s living with his father since late September.
The relationship with my mother used to be full of conflicts, because she was dominant and she thought I had to do things her way and I’m not an obedient and docile person. Now our relationship is good, I think that the great distance also plays a part in that (she now lives in Chili).
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Problem description of Emmanuela
. When I was in secondary school, I didn’t manage to study. I postponed the studying endlessly and I had great difficulty concentrating. I never studied. Consequently I didn’t graduate from secondary school.
I would like to start studying biology at the University of Antwerp. First I still have to study three more years in adult education in order to graduate from secondary school before I can start with this training.
. I doubt my intelligence and I have feelings of inferiority about my intelligence when I think about what I want to study. I think I’m not as intelligent as the rest, which makes me insecure. Especially with people who have had higher education. I miss the ability to see the overall picture or to think further than what is visible at a particular time. I feel inferior when I think of my parents, both academics. Or of my son, who is highly gifted. Or when I think of all those gifted students in the world. Then I tell myself that I will never succeed, then I get really nervous and frightened, I stuff myself with food and I do everything except what I had planned. This is a huge problem and it occupies me every day.
. I find it difficult to understand academic Dutch, then I have to read it one more time. I have great difficulty concentrating when I’m studying. When I do manage to concentrate, then I succeed in memorizing too. Nevertheless I study too slowly, I can’t memorize fast enough. I also postpone studying endlessly. This has been a huge problem for my entire life and it has prevented me from graduating from secondary school. I really feel I have difficulty studying. It’s frustrating, because however paradoxical it may sound: I like studying. I have an aptitude for languages but not for mathematics, physics and chemistry. If I want to study biology, these subjects are important. I feel insecure, but I really want to try it/give it a try.
. I don’t think I’m good-looking or attractive, but fat and ugly, I don’t feel sexy. I weigh 61 kg and I’m 1m 57cm tall. I’m ashamed of my body, especially in the presence of my partner. This happens daily, as a result I create a distance between me and my partner.
I always feel that way. It makes me feel sad. Meanwhile I have become used to this feeling. I have feelings of inferiority concerning my appearance every time I’m confronted with other women who I think are good-looking. Then I withdraw into myself and I create a distance between myself and my partner. Then I ask for a confirmation with the question: ‘Do you still find me attractive?” or “Do you still love me?”. Then I tell myself that it’s normal I’m starting to lose my beauty and my attractiveness because of my 36 years, and then I prefer to turn to cigarettes and food. I think my partner doesn’t mean it when he tells me he finds me attractive, sexy and pretty and I easily start to think he wants other women.
. I tend to eat too much, even if my stomach is full, which makes me feel sick, I like to eat sweet things.
. I feel inferior towards the whole world about not having any self-discipline. This is a daily concern. One day I resign myself to it and I think that’s simply the way it is and the next day I’m on the verge of desperation and a panic attack. I miss discipline and perseverance. I begin something with fresh courage, but doubt, anxiety and a negative self image quickly start to undermine those plans and the corresponding actions. I’m someone with capacities, but who doesn’t bring something to a successful conclusion.
. I’m very insecure. I often think people think I’m ugly, or stupid. I know I have capacities, but I don’t succeed in developing them. I often think someone will probably think I’m stupid after having had a conversation with them. I’m very insecure about my looks. Every day I’m insecure with my partner or when I’m outdoors. Then I want to make myself invisible whereas I wish to be beautiful, refined and attractive then, though. This makes me think I’m not really wanted and in fact that’s true because then I’m not wanted by myself. Then I’m more close-mouthed, unable to really enjoy things, and I tend to seek comfort in things like eating and smoking.
. I’m very insecure about my intelligence and my self-discipline. Every day again, when I see the news, with highly educated people, when I’m talking with my son or my mother (my father has died), when people talk to me about their successes. Then I admire them and tell myself that I want to be successful too and preferably in every way.
. I have a paralyzing fear of failure. To start with: when I have to study. Then I’m very nervous, then I constantly tell myself I’m not studying efficiently enough, that I will never succeed in this way. And then I think I’m too nervous and I postpone studying until it’s actually too late and then I say: ‘Now you see? You can’t do it’.
When I have an exam I don’t manage to express what I want to say correctly or I forget to mention half of it whereas I actually do know it.
Every time I have to do something in which I have to succeed, I feel this fear of failure is influencing me to the extent that I don’t do well what is important or prevents me from doing it at all.
. I would like to prove to myself, my mother and my son that I do have discipline and that I am actually intelligent.
. There are a number of things that worry me a lot. I’m very upset about quarrels with my son, I’m troubled about it for a few hours. When I think my partner doesn’t find me attractive, but rather repulsive, I might worry about that for a few hours or I might even not bear him only touching me or giving me a kiss. This reaction is always alternated with pretending it isn’t there, ignoring these thoughts and subsequently I start to eat a little to compensate it.
. I worry an awful lot. I’m almost constantly fretting about studying and this has a pernicious effect on the studying itself, simply because I waste my time worrying instead of studying. Then I think that I can’t do it (study). I fret about wanting to know everything the subject matter has to offer me for 100%. When I did manage to learn I worry about not being able to tell it in the right way. I worry about the fact that I will never succeed in this way.
When I’m not worrying about the studies, I worry about how wrong I’m eating, I worry about contaminating myself by my bad eating habits and then I see myself as dirty and repulsive which in turn makes me worry about my partner – it’s normal, though, that he doesn’t find me attractive then? – and that I do actually have to do something about it.
. For the moment I feel constantly unhappy. I have the feeling I’m not doing anything useful with my life. I want to do something to be of service to life (the earth with everything alive) and not only doing the daily good deeds.
. I’m easily discouraged. A remark from someone can throw me out of balance and make me doubt and change course. When I have a mishap, I’m angry with myself for not having done it better, for example for not having prepared well enough for the exams. Then I feel very discouraged and I then have to go looking for strength in myself, and I have to go to great lengths not to give up.
. I panic when I think about my life, what I actually would want to do. Then I start to think I’m already 36, I’m not bright enough, I have no money and then I see myself like a wretched old lady in the future, with only failures on her CV. That makes me very nervous, which causes pain in my chest (some kind of hyperventilation according to the doctor), even now, while I’m writing this, I feel the tension in my body.
. I’m suffering severely from premenstrual stress, this affects my partner the most. Then I’m very irritable. But because I don’t want to harm anything or anybody (not by nature, I’m a Buddhist) I try not to express that. But the frustration is still there then, which makes me withdraw from the people around me yet again.
. It annoys me when people are rude, have a lack of respect or when I notice that someone I love misses a certain insight.
. I feel guilty towards my son. I think I’m not a good mother, that I’ve been too much occupied with getting better myself as a result of which I haven’t given my son enough love. This feeling is always present, it literally presses on my heart (when it’s bearable). Then I continue to do what I was doing, this is during the day. At night I get the feeling that my chest is tearing apart (those are the less bearable moments), this is accompanied by tears. I regret having taken on the dominant pattern of my mother against my son resulting in an enormous alienation between me and my son.
. My relationship with my son is very bad, he completely turns away from me, he doesn’t want to tell me anything, he doesn’t have any interest at all in what I have to tell. When my son was living with me, he was constantly very negative towards me and everything I did. I had and still have the feeling he would harm me where he could.
. I regret not having studied when I was younger. Although I wouldn’t have known what I should have done. There’s always a slumbering feeling of regret and dissatisfaction with myself in general.
. I have a lot of grief, deep inside. Actually I feel deeply unhappy. I’m more sad (90%) than happy (10%),that’s just a dominant feeling. When I am a bit happier, it is because I simply forget about the grief for a while. This grief is intense and always present. It’s not always possible to allow this grief, but at night it emerges. I’m also sad about who I am and about the problems with my son. The gap between me and my son is dreadful to me. My son has been living with his father for a few months now and he behaves like he hates me. I’m aware he feels very bad due to puberty and that his behaviour towards me is also caused by me having been strict in the past and having been absent a lot due to work or in an attempt to improve our lives, as a result of which we’re not close. I’m ashamed about the situation with my son.
. I have a number of fears. My biggest fear is to remain the way I am now. I’m also afraid my son will go astray, I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything good for this planet. These fears sometimes arise when I’m worrying. First, this fearful feeling crops up, followed by panic, then the feeling I’m cringing in order to escape it, then the realization of what I’m in, followed by the thought this is good for nothing and I have to take a deep breath and I have to have faith in the good ending.
. Sometimes I’m easily irritated. For instance I get angry when I tell something to my partner and not even a second later he does exactly the opposite of what I had just asked. For example: (I have a sweet tooth), he: “do you want honey in your tea?”, I: ‘no, thank you’, he makes the tea and yet adds honey: ‘since actually, that’s what you want, right?’ I: ‘No, not at all’ with silence and a distance as a result. There are numerous examples like that. This is something that has occurred from the beginning of our relationship and it annoys me enormously.
. I’m impatient, what I want now I already should have had yesterday.
. There are times when I’m very melancholy, when I wonder why I’m living (since I don’t do anything well), then I would rather die. I eat a lot and I smoke a lot at such times. This feeling has somewhat diminished since I’ve had the idea I want to study biology (the study of everything alive) and I have started making plans to actually do this.
. I worry about the fact that my study project will fail. Sometimes I think I will succeed, so then I totally go for it (accompanied by stress) and on other days I think I won’t succeed and then this also stresses me out. I also worry about not having enough money, about the fact that my son might go astray. I worry about being at my best at this moment and never going to get any better. My study project and my son are daily worries, these issues come to my mind at any time.
. I don’t feel understood by my partner. That’s something I don’t tell, it makes me feel very lonely. Consequently there’s a gap between us. He doesn’t see it that way, but I do. Sometimes I feel really very lonely, especially when I think I can’t get help from my partner with my deep sorrow.
. I like people to have a positive impression about me, but not excessively. I especially want to make a positive impression on people I love or I find important in some or other way.
. I appear peace and quiet personified (on the outside), but I’m very restless on the inside due to the worries concerning my study project, my son, my house, my financial situation, my tendency towards unhealthy addictions (smoking, eating). The idea that I’m still not improving makes me very restless on the inside. Which makes me reach for cigarettes and food. I feel tense very often.
. I feel reluctant to do what hás to be done or what needs to be done urgently. Like for example: doing the housekeeping, this is an uphill battle. Usually it doesn’t go at all, which results in frustration, eating, smoking, etc. As a result I have had to hire a cleaning woman.
When I réally need to study, I feel a weight that is literally pressing on me as a result of which studying costs me a lot of trouble.
I usually find it difficult to call my mother, I find it difficult to pick up the phone to call her. I don’t know why, it’s ok once we’re talking (she is living in South-America now).
. My boyfriend tells me I can’t accept criticism. When there is criticism, I like to let it sink in, I don’t think I can’t accept any criticism. My son tells me I’m stupid and he thinks everything I do is stupid, and that I haven’t made anything out of my life and that I’m not a good mother. This is painful and then I usually think he’s right.
My partner tells me I can actually do it and that I am a beautiful, attractive women. I think it’s sweet he says so, but I find it difficult to believe him. My best friend tells me she believes in me and I have the qualities to get there. I hope she’s right when she tells me so.
. I have a lot of stress which brought about by myself, my thoughts of not being like I would like to be and finally having to do something about it. I strongly feel stress in my body, in my shoulders and my back, the tension makes me want to eat or smoke.
. I find it very difficult to share food I like, I notice this when my partner wants to taste it. Then I go tense for a split second, he notices this too, we always laugh about it, and then I think I have to work on it.
. I tend to be bossy and authoritarian, I like things to happen my way. I’ve already been aware of this for a long time and so when this pattern surfaces, I take a deep breath and I let it go when other ways are really better.
. My thoughts are rarely if ever quiet.
. Sometimes I have difficulty expressing myself, especially in an important conversation like an exam. Then my sentence structure is not correct, I forget to mention important things, etc.
. I have difficulty forgiving myself for not having studied when I was young (although I think I wasn’t ripe for it at the time) and for not having been able to build up a strong bond with my son.
. I’m very aware of myself (involved with myself). I’m not very much interested in other people, I think I first have to get better myself. Nevertheless, the situation in the world occupies me and I would like to do something to contribute to a better world.
. I’m too hard on myself, I want to get the best out of myself, I want to be the best of myself and I have also passed this on to my son. He is highly gifted and therefore I thought he had to achieve at least 80% at school (an A). I don’t know if the gap between us is the result of this severity.
. I only hear my mother on the phone nowadays. She’s a very dominant, strong woman. Since I’m quite dominant by nature myself, this has always caused conflicts, meanwhile she has accepted me more, but I think we’d have a lot of conflicts if there was not a distance (she’s currently living in Chili). She always criticizes me, she always asks me questions I’d rather not answer (at least not in detail) because I know only criticism will follow accompanied by a list of ‘what I should do’. When we’re having a conversation, it more seems like her having a monologue, and when she asks me a question, she interrupts me every time I try to answer.
. My partner is a very sweet man who means well by me, but I fairly often have the impression he doesn’t hear it when I say something, or perhaps it’s because he doesn’t take me very seriously, I can’t describe it really well. He also interrupts me every time I’m answering a question he asked or giving my account of something. He sometimes poses me a question and next he doesn’t listen to my answer.
When I’m thinking about my relationships, I notice that what I have to say doesn’t seem to be important.
. I’m not successful, I have failed as a mother, I fear to fail as a student, I feel like I’m not successful at anything.
. For numerous times I have already thought: ‘and now I’ll begin with a fresh start’ (with yoga, studying, healthy eating) and time and again I fail and I blame myself when I don’t succeed. It’s in fact a vicious circle, and then I again have this horrible self image and I smoke and I eat.
. I make stupid mistakes in mathematical calculations, really stupid, stupid mistakes. For example making a mistake in adding something up, as a result of which the whole result is flawed. Then I wonder how this is possible and off course I start to doubt myself, yet again.
. Currently I have difficulty falling asleep, and because I fall asleep so late, I don’t manage to get up early in order to do what I have to do. I sometimes only fall asleep towards the morning.
. I suffer from back pain, between my shoulder blades, this pain goes away when I do yoga exercises regularly. I also have scoliosis and I sometimes feel the pain caused by it in my hips. Yoga is also very helpful for that.
I have painful joints, knees, wrists, ankles, fingers, I feel my knees daily. I find I can’t breathe very deeply and my hearing has got worse. I suffer from premenstrual syndrome which makes me feel very tense and moody.
. I have tried to quit smoking a number of times, but so far I haven’t succeed yet in persevering.
