. I have passed my first year well. I received an A for a certain task and the teacher told me it was a job with final exam qualities. I felt appreciated and understood. Everyone else in the class was also very positive about this task. I missed respect and appreciation incredibly often in the past. And I did receive it last year and it does actually feel incredibly good to be respected.
. I thought about starting my own business at the start of the holidays. I was very motivated. I had never felt so enterprising before, certainly not during the holidays. I quickly had a first customer. I have never been able to arrange a creative assignment on my own before. I had an idea and I could undertake action right away (making calls, gathering information, being able to arrange an appointment). I could carry out my plan, something I always had trouble with before. But then it went wrong once again. It was as if something stopped me. I couldn’t get to carry out the job, and eventually nothing came of it. I didn’t have inspiration but I did feel very reluctant and I had problems concentrating. I didn’t manage to find other customers either. So, that’s something that still has to be tackled. I manage to carry out plans for school a lot better, but not yet to start up a business on my own.
. When I suffer from a setback or when I have worries, for example financial problems, then I still relapse into old patterns. Then I feel bad, I again start to drink more, to smoke a lot, to watch TV a lot, I feel reluctant about everything, I postpone everything, I’m very restless, I have more arguments with my mother, I happen to call a medium once again. Next I get over it and this behaviour is better once more.
. At these moments, when I once again feel a bit worse, I do actually still have trouble getting motivated, beginning with a task, moving forward and finishing tasks. Then I’m so reluctant to do tasks, and I don’t feel like doing anything, they seem like enormous things which are impossible to manage. It’s as if something is holding me back to be enterprising, to carry out plans, to get things done. I can’t get myself to do important things, something always comes in between. I still have difficulty planning long term because I’m still too fickle. It’s difficult for me to get an idea and to keep on believing in it and to persevere, especially when I have to do it entirely on my own (like with this job I wanted to do for a customer during the holidays).
. When I feel better once again, I again have energy and I’m again enterprising and I again get work done. Then I feel strong, self-confident and very calm. With this I mean calm towards other people, not insecure or impatient at all. And then I’m again very concentrated in everything I do. Then I enjoy the work I do and I’m not hurried nor do I feel any reluctance.
. I have made a few attempts to build up a relationship with a man, but things didn’t work out. I need to follow the advice of my LTA therapist and still postpone a relationship for a while. As long as there are too many patterns that sabotage a relationship, it won’t succeed anyway and it will only bring along grief. However, I felt I was more confident towards men through these contacts. I feel more independent in a relationship with a man, I feel more at ease than before.
. For the rest, I’m hardly ever insecure anymore. I have a positive self-image, I consider myself to be an intelligent, creative, sensitive and sociable person. I’m actually quite proud of who I am. I’m confident with regard to my capacities and I’m confident when I meet people. I dare to speak to everyone and I almost dare say or do everything. This was quite different in the past.
. The new school year started already one month ago. I’m motivated to carry out the tasks and they satisfy me. I’m inquisitive and above all very organized. I printed out all the information I needed, I put everything nicely in files, I didn’t forget anything. That felt good. I also felt motivated to do everything in an orderly way. I enjoyed seeing the other students again, being in school once more feels good, I feel like it. Everything is going well for the moment. The people, the lessons, the subjects and the teachers.
