I received the following e-mail from Petrus:
Dear Linda,
My Name is Petrus. I’m 37 years old, I’m from The Netherlands. I would like to apply for the free LTA distance therapy. A distance treatment suits me well since I live in Spain.
The reason why I want to apply is the following: I’m a big egoist and I’m terribly fed up with that because I feel I can’t love anyone.
I won’t tell you the entire story of my life, other than that it has destroyed a lot in my life so far.
Another problem is the fact that I’m dependent of weed, one day without it and I feel down. The relaxed feeling and the joy are wonderful, but I’m fed up with the side effects.
With kind regards,
Petrus
.
Various problem issues
. I ended up on Linda Evans’s website by searching on the words ‘egoism treatment’. I think I’m an egoist and I want to do something about it.
(Remark by Linda Evans: egoism is generally assumed to be the result of the free will and someone is believed to choose for egoism. In my view, egoism doesn’t result from the free will, egoistic behaviour is imposed on someone by subconscious programmings. The LTA method destroys those programmings as a result of which positive energies are released. Egoistic behaviour can be changed into loving behaviour in this way.)
. I live in Spain, in Altea, my family, including my daughter, is living in The Netherlands. I regularly telephone my mother and my daughter and I see my daughter on webcam. I make websites for a living and I’m also a singer. I sing now and then.
. I’m egoistic, everything always has to revolve around me. My ex-wife and my current girlfriend tell me it’s always about me, I always dominate the conversation, my problems always have to be paid attention to. I have to come first. The point is me finding something to my liking. I show little consideration for other people and for my girlfriend. It bothers me when my girlfriend is ill me because it inconveniences me rather than being sympathetic towards her. It doesn’t affect me when somebody dies. I didn’t care when my grandmother died. I don’t pay much attention to other people’s problems, they don’t particularly affect me. When I was 16, my father had a heart attack, I didn’t care, I haven’t even been in the hospital. I don’t really love people, I haven’t got much feeling. I don’t know the feeling of loving someone. I have this with my girlfriend, with my family and with other people. Nevertheless I’m friendly and helpful and I have good relationships with other people.
. I get a lot of love from my girlfriend, which makes me feel special. But I have difficulty giving love myself, although I usually can when I’ve smoked a joint. I have once tried an ecstasy pill and I felt love then, a wonderful, warm feeling. I have never experienced this apart from that. I sometimes have the feeling there is something obstructing my feeling.
. I can pay attention to others, but not for too long, then other thoughts enter my mind again. For example, when I see my daughter again after two months, for the first 20 minutes I pay her a lot of attention and then I revert to my own thoughts. I get enough attention of my girlfriend myself, she always listens to me. Also when I’m singing, I get a lot of attention, then I feel good and I’m companionable.
. I’m more concerned with my own problems than with the problems of other people and I can’t very well bear people acting pathetic.
Therefore I’m also strongly self-oriented and I realize I’m egoistic. I also have the feeling I’m different, I’m born alone and I’ll die alone. I don’t care much about the rest of the world. Everyone has to decide for himself how they live. I don’t give it a moment’s thought how someone else feels. I treat people with respect and I don’t put them under obligations, I expect them to treat me likewise. However, I’m fairly socially conscious: I like to help my girlfriend’s children, we have moved house recently and I did everything I could to find them a job, I also support them financially when needed.
. I don’t listen enough when I talk to other people, when someone else is telling something, I meanwhile often think about what I want to say. Nevertheless, I can empathize well with other people, but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes my egoism predominates. I’m only interested in people who are special, who have achieved something, who are good at something or that I can benefit from.
. My father has been supporting me the last few years and my sister also often supports me. My girlfriend can also support me very well. I need a lot of attention: as much as possible from everyone. I’m motivated by positive attention, then I feel like a fish in water.
. I’m addicted to soft drugs, I have been smoking cannabis for three years. Sometimes a few times a week, currently every day. Then I smoke one joint as a result of which I feel good, happy and I’m companionable. Sex is better (longer) and I pay more attention to my girlfriend.
I smoke a joint and I drink a glass of wine, beer or a mixed drink every day. This is a form of relaxation to me.
. I’m dependent on a joint, one day without it makes me feel down and peevish. Weed makes me relaxed and happy, but I’m fed up with the side effects, which is careless behaviour and getting even more peevish afterwards . Every two or three days I’m going through a bad patch, I actually feel depressed. Then I’m grumpy and withdrawn into myself, then I’m absolutely in a bad mood and I don’t get anything done.
. One day I get up positive and full of energy and I’m able to do a lot of work. The next day I get up and I feel bad and I don’t feel like doing the same work at all, I’m washed-out and I don’t feel like doing anything at all. This usually occurs after having smoked a joint at night or after having drunk too much (that is even worse). I have the idea that everyone has a certain amount of happy feelings and if you use it in one go, there is a deficiency the next day.
Every so often, when I really have an off-day, then I wonder: ‘what am I doing here?’ and I feel desperate. Then I wonder: ‘what do I actually want in life?’, but then I no longer have a clue and I don’t know how to get on with my life. Then I’m quiet and turned inwards upon myself behind my pc.
. I don’t always dare to be honest about my feelings towards my girlfriend, that’s because my mood determines whether I would like to be with her and have a future with her or whether I don’t like being with her and rather go on by myself. In addition my behaviour is also clearly different depending on my mood. When I feel good, I’m sweet, caring and I like to do things with her. But when I feel useless, lazy and old en worry about whether I’ll manage financially for that month, then I ignore her and all I do is work on my laptop. I don’t like myself either at such moments.
A good turnover is the best means to get me cheerful again.
. I have a lack of self-confidence in personal contacts. However, I’m confident enough professionally, I’m a singer and I like singing in front of a big audience .
. I’m insecure when I’m alone with my father in the car once in a while. For example, then I tell him enthusiastically what I’m working on and subsequently I can tell by his face he doesn’t take me serious. At such times I guess what he might be thinking: I wonder what he would approve of and I hastily search for something to say that might interest him. I feel I have to prove myself towards my father: I have to prove I’m successful and I earn a lot of money, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
. I’m concerned what the other person will think of me in contacts with people, how the other person will react. I feel I have to tell something that will be interesting to the other person in conversations. I can’t be myself because I’m constantly concerned with what the other person will be thinking of what I say and I feel I have to do and say what they would approve of, I always imagine what someone else might be thinking.
. I make too much effort to take the fancy of others, that predominates too much. I always try to come across as sympathetic so that people will like me. For example, on parties. Then I behave cheerful and I act enthusiast.
. I take I to heart when someone thinks badly of me, then I would like to explain it away. I know that’s undeserved, because I’m friendly, enthusiastic and very flexible. Consequently I also often adapt because I don’t care much, but when I want something really bad, then I do it on my own if need be.
. I’m a singer, but this is more like a hobby to me instead of something I want to develop professionally. When I have to sing, then I think: ‘I have to convince everyone I’m good’. I need the confirmation that I do it good. I want to come across well, I want them to like it, I want to gain recognition from the audience. When I don’t get recognition from the audience, then my performance is getting worse. I’m disappointed in myself when I feel I haven’t sung well. Then I’m fed up with myself and my sense of reality tells me :’Peter, you aren’t a good singer at all’. I really need recognition for my performance as a singer, without this, I’m unhappy.
. Sometimes I think about developing a singing career, but then I would have to work at weekends, then I have to learn texts by heart and practise a lot, then I have to go and present myself. Those are things that stop me. I also contend with the problem that I can’t remember song texts. I always sing with a monitor on which the text of the song appears. Learning the texts by heart and knowing what I’m singing for 100% are things I still have to conquer. Singing with the text on a screen has become such a habit that I’m afraid I’d forget the text and make mistakes without a screen. I would like to know all the texts by heart, then I would also be able to walk a little more around in the audience in order to be more among the people. I do like to sing, but usually I’m not so open towards the public, I should be able to create more atmosphere.
. When my turnover suddenly decreases or when the domain name I work with is suddenly no longer to be found in Google, then I start to worry. Then I become hyperactive and I do anything to solve it. Unfortunately that can never happen right away, when I change something, I only know if I did I right three days later, and then it’s frustrating when it doesn’t seem to have helped and I have lost three days. Something like that can make me less pleasant to be around for the people around me. Getting an unexpected bill or having to wait for money or a bad turnover can also make me feel bad. I always worry if it will turn out all right. I also tend to be afraid whether I’ll continue to manage financially. I can’t do what I want to do, because what I want to do, costs money.
. My income concerns me 90% of the time. Then I worry whether I will be able to pay for the rent, the alimony and the purchases.
. When something takes too long, then I usually give up. This is a huge problem. I have a great deal of good ideas, I begin with enthusiasm, but when it takes too long, I quit because I have a better idea once again. I’m very enthusiastic in the beginning, I’m very passionate about it. But this can already be over the following day. I have so many ideas that it makes me go mad now and then. I only try to accept work I can complete in one day to avoid not finishing things.
. I don’t earn enough. However, I’m too lazy, I take things to easily. When I get work offers, I pick out the things I like. Then I’m too perfectionist and I take too long to do it. I’m never satisfied about my work, I think other people are better, I can’t approve of myself. I’m not very disciplined, I put things off because I don’t feel like doing it.
I’m usually a workaholic, but there are also days when I’m not working at all. That is usually the result of an extreme good turnover. I tend to postpone things easily: especially when something requires a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Sometimes I don’t start with an assignment until the customer starts to complain, then suddenly I can actually set about it.
. I often don’t do something whereas it’s not even much work, and then I put up with all the disadvantages. For example, when I have to sing, I go and put up and connect the installation time and again, whereas it would be much easier to spend half a day’s work in order to build in the installation.
For example, when I’m having a job that takes a day’s work, I can’t get myself to set about, even if the client has to wait for a month and manage on his own.Only when the client calls me and tells me it’s urgent, I can set about. Also when I don’t get enough appreciation for my work, I don’t do it that quickly, when I get a compliment on top of the payment, I’ll be more easily inclined to perform work for someone. I need pats on the back.
. I don’t like obligations, I like to be totally free. I want to be able to work when it suits me and not on set times. I want to be able to work from the moment I wake up and not being woken up by an alarm clock, I hate that. When I háve to do something, then I already don’t want to do it anymore.
. When I have to do various things at once, then I have the feeling I still have so much to do and I want to please everyone. That impedes me, a pressure builds up in my head, and it spoils my day. I also feel guilty and agitated when there is too much work and I don’t know where I have to begin. Consequently I usually don’t do anything at all.
. I have the compulsive thought I must and will be successful, this is always present. Therefore I’m also very strict to myself: when I haven’t earned enough on one day, I feel bad.
If I were successful , I’d be more pleased with myself. I do actually think I’ll make it one day. How and what is still the question. I believe everyone has a task in life and I only have to make sure to optimally convey this energy, that’s why I have applied for this treatment. I would like to set up something that would make me well-known, then I’d really have something to be proud of. I still want to achieve something big once, setting up a well-known company, brand or website or scoring a hit as a singer. I hope I will succeed. If I earned a lot of money, I would like to help other people who are bad off.
. I prefer to have 100% control over things, but I know that’s not possible in my branch. Therefore I’m thinking about setting up something in the real world so that I’m more in control of things. On the other hand I’m enjoying the freedom of my internet work now. It runs on even if I don’t look after it for a couple of days. A company in the real world entails more obligations and I’m not very fond of that. So I don’t know what I want.
. I continue to end up in the situation that when I no longer feel like doing something I need something new. Consequently I stop doing what I’m engaged in and I start doing something else. Something inside me constantly needs renewal in order to be happy.
. I usually need a drink or a joint to feel inner peace. So I usually feel agitated. Although I can enjoy something and relax when everything is fine, that is when I have just received money or when I have spoken to my daughter.
. I can’t sit still, two minutes at the most and then I have to do something else once again. I’m restless. There’s an unremitting stream of thoughts in my head all day long. Thousands of thoughts are always present in my head, they tire me out. When I smoke a joint, it’s more quiet in my head.
. I’m always thinking unless I have smoked a joint, then it’s quiet in my head for an hour, but afterwards it gets twice as worse and I have one idea after the other.
When I have a good idea, I sometimes keep on working for 10 hours at a stretch without eating or drinking. But when I have to make something that doesn’t interest me and that I do purely for money, then sometimes I have difficulty concentrating.
. I usually sleep well, but I lie awake about twice a week, then I think too much and I have the need to work. I have developed a filter to pick out the sensible thoughts because of my many thoughts. But unfortunately there are still too much of them.
. When too many negative thoughts arise, I feel agitated, as a result I try to work as much as possible or I smoke a joint. I’m often hurried, particularly when I’m intensively busy with something, then I eat too quickly. This is not pleasant for my girlfriend.
. I have got a tic, some kind of twitches throughout my entire body, this happens when I relax, or when my girlfriend strokes me or after sex. I told it to the doctor, but he wasn’t able to tell something sensible about it. It feels like some kind of discharge. The twitches spring from my belly. I sometimes bite my nails, then I can’t stop either. Often in the car, but I can’t exactly tell why.
. I’m fed up with my receding hairline and the fact that I have a fair amount of wrinkles, I still feel so young, but I’m slowly starting to lose my youthful appearance. Furthermore I’m not so pleased with my build, I’m tall and slim, but every kilo ends up on my belly and that doesn’t exactly look attractive. I don’t like dancing, because when I’m dancing I see myself as a lanky, awkward guy who looks like mister Bean.
. When I have to dance, I feel like I’m not myself anymore, then I feel ill at ease and I have the feeling it doesn’t look good either because of the forced movements. Then I want to get off the dance floor as soon as possible .
. I’m very much occupied with my looks: I like to look good. I also attach a great deal of importance to the appearance of my girlfriend and I’m often bothered by imperfections. I attach a lot of importance to status, so I like to have a kind, but also a beautiful woman.
. I sometimes tend to feel inferior when I talk to people I look up to or when a very beautiful woman addresses me. Then I react a little nervously and I withdraw because I don’t know anything to say, since I’m thinking things over too much at such a moment. Then I want to say something, next I doubt too long as a result of which the remark is no longer relevant, with silence as a result. When I talk to important people I sometimes act shyly.
. I happen to consider other people inferior, particularly when they talk stupidly or when they look simple. Then I feel I’m not interested and I ignore them. This sometimes happens with my mother. Consequently she goes into a huff.
. I’m patient, but when I don’t manage to do something after having tried for a couple of times, then I get angry. I simply can’t stand things going against me and then I get irritated. At such times I really can’t stand anything from my girlfriend. Then the best thing she can do is to leave me alone for a while and, as soon as it has worked out, I’m in my element again. I’m never angry for long, I usually try to solve it by talking. When I’m really in a bad mood, then I go to sleep and the next day I’m fine again.
. I tend to be annoyed by my girlfriend or feel ashamed when she’s too loose when we go out. Then my mood goes down, which makes me want to go home, which I don’t do for her and consequently I feel bad all night.
. I can only get angry with people close to me. Then I raise my voice and I try to explain my reaction or my opinion. This sometimes results in my girlfriend and me not talking for half a day. Every day I feel sorry and guilty when I think about my daughter. Then I feel sad and I’m quiet for a moment. I came to Spain and left my daughter with my ex after my divorce a few years ago. I still regret everything has turned out this way. And I’m a little bitter about this, not so much anymore, but it’s still there. I’m also often sad when I think about the time I married and when I see the whole history passing me by like a film. This happens at least once a week, this sometimes makes me cry. But when I have seen my daughter on the webcam or heard her voice, then I can again cope with life.
I would like to be able to forget the moment I told my ex I was in love with someone else. I’ll also never forget the moment when we told our daughter we would get divorced. My divorce still occupies me once a week, though, but it is gradually diminishing. Then I feel sorry for myself.
. I’m somebody who talks a lot, with my girlfriend and with my mother, I enjoy this. I particularly talk about what I want in life with my girlfriend.
. I think not doing anything is useless, because that’s a waste of time. I think I see life too much as something in which I constantly have to be alert and in which I have to work on the future.
. Sometimes my girlfriend criticizes me for paying her too little attention and working too much. When my girlfriend makes a remark, I often take it as an insult, although she doesn’t mean it like that. This is because my ex-wife made a lot of insults. She was also often right about me not giving enough consideration for her. This made me feel guilty and then I reacted fiercely when she called me to account. I preferred to be left alone and to go my own way.
When someone accuses me of something or misunderstands me, I do all I can to explain it, to put things right.
. I find it very difficult to refuse, when someone asks me something kindly, I’ll do it. When I like people, I often give too much, one psychic called me ‘Santa Claus’ and that’s right. When I have got something and I can make someone else happy with it, then I give it away too quickly. I sometimes do too little for the people close to me. So that’s the weird thing, I would often do more for others than for people close to me. I also let myself be pushed aside sometimes, especially by dominant people. Therefore I try to avoid these people as much as possible.
. I have difficulty setting boundaries, but I don’t know whether I’m sufficiently tolerant. Although I can give others free rein and I wish them happiness, success.
. I’m certainly not a docile person, I’m someone who takes control and I don’t like commands. When I have to do something, I don’t like it anymore and I don’t do it either. So I do things my way or not at all.
. I’m quite possessive, it used to be worse in my previous relationship because I knew my ex was dissatisfied with me. This feeling is a lot less with my current girlfriend, but then she is very considerate of me. I’m not so possessive with respect to matter. I like driving a nice care, but that is not a condition for being happy. Although I very much like convenience.
. I’m not a dominant person, except a little towards my girlfriend.
. I snore according to my girlfriend, I seem to snore more when I’ve drunk alcohol.
. I can decide easily, I do sometimes ask for the opinion of someone else, though, but I usually do what I think myself. Unless it’s about my future, then I can’t decide easily.
. I’m often too impulsive: I sometimes think of something, I immediately develop it, I register a domain name and the next day I don’t like it anymore. Hence I don’t do anything with it anymore. I’ve taken up the habit of writing everything down and looking at it a week later again, this works better. I’ve now decided to only develop ideas that recur constantly. Then I consider this a sign. I sometimes take on too many projects, then I don’t know what I have to begin with and then I also feel less like doing something.
. I always want to be right in private matters, but in business matters, the customer is always right and it’s his product, in that case I do give my opinion, but I respect his decision.
I certainly don’t always have to have my way, when my girlfriend wants something different, then I often adapt.
. I’m pretty stubborn: when I have an idea and the other doesn’t like it and his arguments are not good enough for me, then I stick to what I think and want. Consequently it is usually done the way I want it.
. I’m quite impressionable: for example, when I’m with a group and everyone takes a few pills before going out, then I join in.
. I sometimes tend to exaggerate when I want to impress someone: then I sometimes make it a little more nice. I try to restrict that as much as possible because I don’t like it.
. I have difficulty coping with things without discussing it with someone, my girlfriend is my sounding board. We usually talk about my daughter or about my income. I also don’t like being alone. When I find work, I like it when someone else is in the house.
. I frequently worry about my daughter, how she is and whether she is sad, whether she misses me, whether she thinks about me.
. I like to show off things: I’m proud when I have visitors in my house and I like hearing others think it’s beautiful. I’m also proud of my daughter because she’s so very sweet, honest, tolerant and sensible.
. I tend to hold fairly strong views: for example about the fact that people act like sheep with regard to religion and that a lot of people barely think about such things.
. I sometimes act like a victim, I’m also angry then. It doesn’t occur often, but I sometimes tend to feel sorry for myself. Then I prefer going to bed. I experience a feeling of powerlessness every day, I have a lot of websites that have been admitted in Google and some positions sometimes drop for no apparent reason. Then I feel powerless and angry, I panic more or less then and I try to put it right again in any possible way or I try to compensate my loss by selling things or looking for work.
. I don’t think I’m arrogant, but someone has once told me I came across as arrogant. But that probably must have been insecurity or I wasn’t interested in this other person, perhaps that’s arrogance. I’m sometimes haughty when I’m singing.
. I’m sometimes prejudiced about some people due to negative experiences. I don’t like people who come across as somewhat threatening. Yet I still assume someone is good. But I don’t like it when someone is grumpy or not interested in me. That’s off course a little hypocritical for someone who’s sometimes like this too.
. I don’t like groups en I usually separate from groups. I prefer to be in the centre of interest. I didn’t feel good in a class or in a team, even as a child, I was never a leader and in fact I didn’t belong, for example because I wasn’t good at sports or because I didn’t like sports.
I like being with my girlfriend and inviting family. I’m reserved with strangers, although eventually it often turns out to be fun after all. Sometimes all of a sudden I’m fed up with them and then I want to be alone or together with my girlfriend.
. I do sometimes gossip about someone but I don’t really have the feeling that people gossip about me.
. I get sufficient respect from others, I often hear I make nice things and then I feel flattered which puts me in a great mood.
I also need confirmation when I sing: when I sing I want to hear I do it well, when I don’t get any reaction, then I start to perform worse and when there isn’t any response at all, I stop.
I tend to confirm myself too much, particularly by showing things I made to my girlfriend. When she reacts enthusiastically, then I feel good.
. I sometimes quarrel with my gilfriend, then in time I come back to it and I try to talk about it. I sometimes sulk, then I grumble a little and I’m irritated. Then I’m better left alone.
. I find it difficult to play with my daughter, playing games in not my cup of tea and neither is repetition. I often try to do it for her, but I notice I slide back into my thoughts as a matter of course and then I give up. The relationship with my parents is good. They haven’t really supported and raised me well in the past. Sometimes I blame them for it, I might have had a little more self discipline and I might have functioned better if they had given me more attention.
. When I don’t find something, I get fed up with it and I only give up searching after a long time.
. I don’t really have sexual problems, sometimes I’m too fast, but I can keep it up longer by smoking a joint.
. I suffer from back pain every few months.
. The most important thing in my life is for my daughter to be happy and for me to find inner peace. Furthermore I want to live freely with as few obligations as possible and as comfortable as possible.
