Saïda

Saïda is of Moroccan descent.  She was born in Belgium, she’s 29 years old and she has received higher education.

She has a western mentality. She is independent, she wants to choose a husband herself and she wants to continue working after a marriage. Her family, and her mother in particular (her father is more compliant) hold on to the traditional cultural views. As a result of this Saïda was discouraged by her family to marry a man of her choice and she recently married a Moroccan man her mother chose for her. Her husband is currently staying in Morocco and Saïda is still living with her parents until all formalities will be in order and her husband will be able to come to Belgium.

She is very interested in personal growth, she is ambitious and she wants to achieve a lot in life.

Below there’s a description of problem issues prior to the start of the treatment as well as the results. The black text is the situation before the treatment, the blue text is the situation after the treatment.

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FAMILY

Everyone in my family criticizes me, this thought breaks my heart/I’m cut up about this thought. When something goes wrong, it’s always my fault. I don’ t know how to deal with that.  The fact that I have to take charge because I’m the eldest and that I’m expected to take on a part of the role of my parents is difficult for/to me. I can’t be myself because I have to take on the role of a parent.

I’m not myself anymore when I’m home. I always have to fulfill expectations, but I don’t want to. And yet I always ask the permission of the community before I do or decide something, something is good when the community approves of it.

I worry a lot about my little sisters, I wonder whether they will be happy, whether they will be able to do everything in life. I feel responsible for their happiness.

My uncle considers me the worst girl of the family and he blackens me everywhere. This is very difficult for me, it hurts a lot, since he has a future and a good life because of me (I have helped him with all kinds of things).

My relationship with my parents is good, though, but I sometimes have vehement discussions and arguments with them and particularly with my mother.

I want to break free from my family and lead my own life since I was 23, but I didn’t succeed. I wanted to go and live on my own so badly, but nothing ever came of it.

I’m docile, I let myself be ordered and lead by the cultural rules and traditions. I do what’s expected of me, I can’t choose for myself. I’m married to a man from Morocco because my family wanted this and I broke up with the man I love.

I cry a lot because of the huge pressure on me, because I can’t escape it. I feel imprisoned in the tradition and I can’t get out of it. I would so much like to get out of it, but I can’t, something is stopping me, I have to stay in it. When I’m staying in Morocco I feel I’m imprisoned and I MUST take on the proper role of the woman. I often cry and I’m more sensitive and withdrawn when I’m there.

I don’t feel locked up in the traditions of my culture anymore, I have been able to escape and now I have a grip on myself and on my life. I feel I can breathe now.

I have made the decision to go and live on my own and it has been far more easy than I have ever believed it to be. I have my own place where I can be myself and where I can calm down. I have, after having doubted for a long time, decided to break up the marriage that was forced upon me and I have chosen for myself.

I’m no longer occupied with what the family thinks of me. I don’t let my life be lead by my family anymore. I no longer feel responsible for everything and everyone because I’m the eldest. The pain I felt with regard to my uncle is no longer present. I don’t feel anything anymore, even when I see him. I have become a lot more calm and more relaxed.

My mother listens to me more. It didn’t used to be like that at all in the past. But she still doesn’t take my decisions seriously. But this doesn’t stop me anymore, though. I go my own way a lot more now.

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RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

I have a feeling of shame when I’m with a man and I’m convinced I’m not good enough for a man. I’m not allowed to show any feelings of love either. That’s a shame, feelings of love mustn’t be shown. I also have the feeling or the thought that a woman has to be obedient to her husband, has to be nice and has to serve him. After all, I’m only a woman.  I’m also afraid I will get locked up (be forbidden to go outside and to work) and be dominated by a man. I’m sexually inhibited.

I sometimes used to have a boyfriend before my marriage, but every time I behaved the same way. I pushed each boyfriend away and I ………… every time I wanted to talk to him. I was afraid he’d be unfaithful to me. I was afraid he wasn’t the right man for me. I suffered from fear of failure. Would the relationship work out and would he love me or would he ditch me? Would he actually propose? Could I trust him?

I panicked when a man approached me. I sometimes wondered whether I would eventually get a man and I was afraid of attracting the wrong man. I wanted certainty and I wanted to have everything under control. I used to be tremendously indecisive and I doubted continuously. My choice was judged negatively by my family every time I showed my preference for a man at home. And I let myself be influenced by that and I started to doubt even more.

I wanted to marry and to have children so badly, also because this is so important in my culture. I absolutely wanted it, it was almost an obsession, but I didn’t succeed. I have eventually married the man my parents chose for me. I let myself be convinced that it was fine like that/this was the right thing to do. I have also let myself believe that and I was even enthusiastic about it. But shortly after the wedding I was tearful, depressed, I felt locked up, imprisoned. I could no longer or barely laugh anymore, but I did what I’m supposed to do in the tradition during my stay in Morocco (staying at home, cooking, laughing, talking, …). I was so unhappy. My husband didn’t show any feelings for me and he treated me like I wasn’t present/there in the presence of his family. I wanted to break off the marriage, but I doubted, I let myself be talked round again. I didn’t sleep anymore. I was irritated far more easily, I complained to my friends. But I wasn’t able to make a decision.

I’m much more sure of my feelings and I follow them more. I’m no longer afraid of being locked up. I no longer have the feeling I’m but a woman. I made the decision to break off my marriage against the will of my family and to choose for myself.

I have my former boyfriend back in my life, and our relationship is much better than I’ve ever been able to imagine. He is more considerate of me, he listens to me and he shows his feelings. I’m no longer sexually inhibited and I dare to show my feelings and desires more. I can finally opt/choose for the relationship I want myself and I don’t let myself be influenced by family or friends anymore.

The rules of the tradition have less power/control over me. I feel more self-confident in my relationship and I think I’m good enough. I’m different towards a man: I’m calmer, less tense and I don’t play the roles that are expected of me anymore.

I’m no longer afraid of men. Now I have male friends with whom I have a good friendly relationship, whereas I rather used to avoid men in the past.

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FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES, SELF-IMAGE

I have got low self-esteem, I don’t think I’m good enough.

It’s difficult for me to accept that I’m not the average ‘immigrant’, but that I’m more broad-minded and higher educated than the other immigrants. Which isn’t really ‘accepted’ by my environment, but rather ‘tolerated’. I’m an outsider/the odd man out which sometimes even makes me feel inferior. My self-confidence is not so strong, because I do my best so that people would like me. Even to the extent that I think I’m a weirdo. I’m sometimes insecure in relationships with people because I wonder whether they’ll accept me. As a result I’m suspicious towards people and I don’t know who I can trust.

I always want to prove myself with the ‘Belgian’ colleagues and then I do this twice as hard. I also think it should be like that, because otherwise I won’t be appreciated.

I have a problem with the fact that a number of people within my culture put me on a pedestal. I don’t want to be special or different, because then I have to take on roles I don’t want to take on. I also find it difficult that they think things are easy for me.

I dress inconspicuously, I hardly wear any make-up. I want to attract as little as possible attention because I already feel I catch the eye everywhere. I don’t want to catch the eye.

I feel constantly watched by both groups, Belgians and immigrants. I feel I have to do so much more before being accepted.

I find it hard to deal with some people around me. I get easily irritated and I sometimes can’t help making annoying remarks to people. When I don’t like someone, then I can’t help showing it. I can be particularly annoyed by certain things of people and when they think they know and need to say thé truth in particular.

Friends or colleagues sometimes make jealous remarks because they think I’m better at certain things or I can easily get certain things. People (especially Moroccans) feel ‘inferior’ with me, I come across as ‘too’ intelligent.

I let colleagues, friends, acquaintances go too far, as a result of which they don’t respect my boundaries. I help them, they can ask me anything. But I receive little respect for it.

I want to do lots of things that I don’t do because of what others might think. I often let myself be restricted by what others will think.

It upsets me a lot when something has been said about me that isn’t true, I can be cut up for days as a result. I dramatize it and I tend to keep on harping on about it. I’m sensitive to criticism and I often take it very personally. I’m easily on the defensive and I want to justify myself too much.

Most of the issues mentioned above no longer occur or don’t occupy me anymore. One issue that is still present is the fact that things still upset me, but it certainly isn’t as bad as it used to be. I also still want to justify myself too much.

I’m no longer occupied by the fact that I’m an immigrant and that I have to do my best more. I don’t think about that at all anymore.

The jealousy of the people around me has diminished a lot. Remarks are seldom made anymore.

I get more compliments or positive feedback, like for example that I’m a pretty girl, that I’m nicely dressed, pleasant to talk to, or that they have missed me and enjoy seeing me again.

I dress more nicely and I pay attention to myself.  I’m much more conscious of my being a woman. Men pay more attention to me as a woman and they are interested in me as a woman. Before this used to be more as a colleague or as a friend.

I can better hide the fact that I don’t like someone, but I still find it difficult to work together with that person, because I feel something is not alright.

I keep more distance towards people in order to protect myself more. I no longer help no matter who and I’m more careful when I help someone, I know my boundaries better.

I’ve become more assertive. I no longer find I have to ‘disappear’ in the setting. Now I find I’m pretty good. My self image has become positive.

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COMMUNICATION

Sometimes I’m too outright, too hard. Sometimes I don’t know how I can advance something without coming across the wrong way. I find it hard to refuse to someone and when I do, then it often comes across the wrong way. When I say no to someone, then this person doesn’t listen. He or she keeps on nagging or pretends not to have heard my refusal.

Some people think I force my opinion on them. I also notice I can’t deal with people who have radical opinions and who stubbornly stick to their viewpoint.

I sometimes come across as too bossy or too pedantic or I insufficiently nuance and I put too much force in my arguments.

I find it difficult to be open or close-mouthed about my feelings in the right place and with the right person. I tell too much and everything and I give myself away too much. I forget I can’t do that everywhere just like that. I give too much account with people and I don’t need to at all. But I still do it. People are jealous of my passion, my capacities, … There’s a lot of criticism leveled at me. Then I’m in the defensive, I feel easily attacked as a result of which I start to explain everything.

The fact of being too straightforward has diminished somewhat, but is still present, though. However, I can actually express myself better, and I can better nuance. I can also better express myself somewhat better without hurting the other person. I come across as less bossy or pedantic.

I tell or talk less about myself. I need less attention and confirmation from others.

When someone doesn’t listen to me when I refuse, I don’t let myself be overwhelmed by it. I stay calm and I abide by my answer.

The clashes that frequently used to occur with people with radical ideas, rarely happen anymore. I let it go and it bothers me less. Giving account/Justifying myself has diminished a lot, but hasn’t completely disappeared yet and I occasionally catch myself still justifying myself.

I’m more compliant and more relaxed in my relationships and contacts with others. I’m more calm and less agitated. I’m less aggressive and I don’t get angry as easily as before anymore.

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INDECISIVENESS

I ponder over things endlessly as a result of which I can’t make any decisions. I always change my mind. It is becoming a real obsession, always thinking things over and brooding over all kinds of things. I decide and make a choice, and then I withdraw again. Then I again make a decision, and change it at the last moment … Other people find it difficult and find me a difficult person. I’m always afraid of making a move. The thinking doesn’t stop and therefore I suffer from obsessions, everything always keeps on going on in my head.

I always wait for the other to decide, I can’t do it myself. I don’t dare to take steps.

I’m nervous because I don’t know which direction I should go because of my indecisiveness, I’m agitated. My indecisiveness makes me feel irritable, short-tempered and depressed.

Regarding work, it’s easy to take steps towards a new job. That’s not difficult for me. I also knew what I wanted with regard to study, evening classes, … I had no problems making decisions.

Particularly regarding love, going to live on my own, … I’m afraid of making choices or decisions. I lost my boyfriend due to doubt and insecurity.

I noticed the following after a couple of months’ treatment from Ingrid: I left my parents, I live on my own now, I have the man of my life back in my life. I’m clearly less afraid and insecure towards my partner. The love is real. Our relationship is optimal, although there are still things that need to be talked over.

I follow my own way now, even though it has cost me many years to finally take the step to choose for myself.

The brooding is still present, but less obsessive. I’m no longer going on about things endlessly. People tell me I look relaxed, I’m not so tense anymore. I’m clearly more calm. My indecisiveness is still present, but has diminished, though. However, I don’t have any depressive thoughts due to indecisiveness anymore.

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WORK

I find it difficult to concentrate on my work, my thoughts sometimes control me.

I want to do many things, I start with something, but I don’t finish it. I leave things and I’m distracted because I think and brood too much.

I sometimes feel I have to do so much, which makes me feel agitated.

I sometimes bite off more than I can chew or I do ten things at a time as a result of which I don’t get my work done.

I’m passionate and I start afresh with an assignment, but halfway I stop and I don’t have any energy anymore. I also start to doubt whether it will be good. I get insecure. I become afraid and panicky.

When I’m not able to do something I can’t accomplish it anymore. Then I don’t dare to ask someone else for help.

I find it difficult to function in the team at work. I can’t always keep up, I don’t always understand what my colleagues are telling me. Furthermore I don’t dare to advance my opinion, I’m paralytic. When someone tells me something or explains me something in a team, then I forget this immediately, my head is like a sieve, I can’t retain anything.

When I have to give a lecture, then I want to study everything and to know everything, otherwise I panic (stage fright).

When there are things that bother me and that I don’t dare say, I bottle it up. I suffer from premenstrual syndrome, then everything that has been bottled up comes up again and I react emotionally towards colleagues.

The agitation, the panic aren’t present anymore. I have gradually found energy again to perform my job well and I can better concentrate, but it isn’t entirely optimal yet.

I give my opinion more now and I’m more active in the team. I also ask more for help. I don’t …………..  anymore when I’m unable to do something, I just leave it. After a while I know what to do then.

I don’t panic anymore when I don’t know everything.

I used to get lost in details in the past as a result of which I no longer had an overview and I could no longer see the wood for the trees. Now I can keep a good overview.

I advance my own questions, file at the team meetings. I also give my opinion or advice to my colleagues and I feel strong to take up my place in the team. Before I rather had the feeling I disappeared into the group.

Shortly after the start of the treatment I notice I better understood what was being said and I could retain and follow things much better.

I have taken up tasks that other colleagues didn’t want to do, I take more the initiative and I know better how to set about my work.

I have noticed that there are more matters at work that I can assess well, I can look further than my colleagues. My colleagues appear to need more time to understand and process the issues, problems, solutions.

Sometimes I still have difficulty setting about and finishing files. But it has already improved, though.

I also still have to do more my best to work out files more profoundly, I still have difficulty with that.

I take on less assignments, tasks as a result of which I’m calmer and less busy. Although I still catch myself taking on tasks that are actually not intended for me.

My relationships with colleagues of other departments are warmer. People are more spontaneous and more open towards me. They tell me I listen to them and also really do something with that. They also think I relate to them in a normal way and no longer treat them high-handedly.

My intuition is better developed. I understand people better, I can better assess people. I know how every colleague can best be coached at work. I know their weak and their strong points, but also their competences and skills.

Colleagues tell me how they are, they also tell their private matters whereas this happened a lot less in the past. People don’t only see me as a colleague, but also as a person.

I didn’t suffer from premenstrual symptoms the last time.

I now better recognize the signals my body tells me, when I feel uncomfortable, nervous somewhere or with somebody, … then I take that into account and I possibly leave.

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PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

I suffer from premenstrual symptoms: I’m depressed, I’m too emotional, I easily burst into tears, I’m much more easily affected by all kinds of things and I’m easily irritated. I have a morning mood now and then. This happens when I don’t feel well rested.

I suffer from hair loss and it’s often difficult for me.

I bite my nails.

I almost constantly feel a strong tension in my neck.

The tension in my neck has completely disappeared from the start of the treatment.

The premenstrual symptoms are less outspoken, they didn’t bother me the last time.

My hair loss has diminished. The fact that I’m losing my hair now and then bothers me less, I have reconciled myself to it. I do actually pay more attention to the maintenance of my hair.

My morning mood has gone, I haven’t had it for a very long time. I feel better rested.

There are times when the nail biting is almost entirely gone and times when it returns.