I have become a rather light-hearted person.
My health is doing well. For the first time in 24 years, my intestines are functioning normally. I am going to the toilet a few times a day now and I have normal solid stools. I have gained another kilo. I weigh 83 kg now. I no longer have any abdominal pain immediately after dinner and I do not have to go to the toilet anymore immediately after dinner.
My eczema is fully absent most of the time. From time to time small spots still come through and then disappear again. The itching on my legs is as good as entirely gone. Sometimes, it comes back and then disappears again. It is now established that the large red-hot spot on my leg, is not eczema. It is an infection caused by the Candida fungus. It is treated by means of an ointment that was prescribed by a dermatologist.
I still have regular headaches, especially when I have to study intensively and absorb large quantities of material. The headaches disappear faster than they used to do, though.
For the first time since I started the treatment, there is an improvement with respect to my fatigue. The extremely intense fatigue that I would feel from time to time, was already gone. But the chronic feeling of being tired had not changed until now. Now, there is a slight improvement in that respect. I have got a little more energy. I no longer need a 30 minutes’ sleep two times a day.
In the past, I only had to think about a task that I had to do, and I already became tired and got a headache. This is over now.
I sleep very well now. I have no trouble getting to sleep and I enjoy a good night’s rest. I still dream a lot. For a while, I applied the LTA self-treatment an hour before going to bed. It was remarkable how fast I was able to fall asleep and what a good night’s rest I had then. I was calm and relaxed in my sleep. Immediately after I had started the self-treatment, I had no more trouble getting to sleep and this has not changed ever since. Unfortunately, I no longer have the time to apply the self-treatment.
I no longer have a whistling sound in my ears. (I had experienced this only for a couple of months, maybe it would have gone away all by itself as well, without any therapy, maybe it would not have).
There is still another improvement in remembering material that I have studied. I also forget things less quickly, when I have done some practical exercises, after I have been able to practise it.
However, when doing a consultation or a practical training, or when practising some skills, I easily forget the things I have just learned and I have trouble reproducing them. This still has to improve a lot.
If I do not know something that I actually should have known because of my medical studies, I can deal with that in another way now. I no longer feel stupid, I have the feeling that I cannot know everything after all and that it is all right for me to forget a thing or two.
My insecurity if I have to do something and my fear of making mistakes, has clearly diminished. I am far more relaxed in difficult situations. I stay calm, I am confident that it will be all right or that I will do fine. Because of that confidence, it is also much easier for me to perform an assignment.
In practical exercises, it is much easier for me to focus on what I need to focus on. I am less preoccupied with the thought that I will not be able to do something or what other people might think of me. Therefore, I am less a bungler during practical exercises.
I have also become more skilful. This is not the result of the confidence that I have gained. I have just become more dexterous.
I am no longer discouraged if I do not manage to quickly get a grasp of something new that I have to learn. I stay calm, I am confident of the fact that I will manage to do it. I no longer feel any fear or panic.
It is a little easier for me to deal with new situations and new requirements and expectations that are set. I have got a little more confidence that I will be able to make it work.
However, I am still insecure and tense when I have to learn something new that requires some skills and competence.
My stage fright is as good as gone. I had to give a lecture for one hour in front of a group of 60 students. I was just a little nervous at the beginning, but then I quickly felt comfortable. I managed to give the lecture (in fact I had to give class) without any trouble and I have done well.
I still feel insecure and cramped when I meet a woman that I like, although this has improved to some extent already from the beginning of the treatment. When I try to get contact with a woman I like, I am still clumsy or she is not interested in me. Very frustrating !
Something that has improved, though, is the fact that I no longer feel immediately rejected by a woman or I no longer feel that I am not good enough for a woman.
Some other fears have improved as well: the fear of getting old, the fear of not being a good doctor and the fear of losing the ones I love.
I no longer feel as if my life is a battle. What I still experience as a battle is ‘love’ (love with a woman). There are far less disappointments in my life, except in the area of love. There are fewer barriers, there are fewer setbacks. There still are some setbacks, but I can deal with them in a better way; I can summon up my courage and move on. I can think more like everything is going to work out just fine.
In the past, I would be extremely emotional in certain situations and I would completely freeze. This is no longer the case, I can get through an emotion, I no longer get stuck in it. It no longer freezes me, an emotion is no longer completely overwhelming.
I do not care anymore whether people like me. I am hardly preoccupied anymore by the thought of what other people might think of me (except if it is about a woman that I like).
I regularly felt ashamed when I thought about what people might think of me. This has gone.
I do not fake anymore or I no longer adopt a forced attitude in situations where I still feel insecure. This is replaced by the attitude: I will be rejected anyway, or I cannot make it here anyway, so I will adopt a gruff attitude toward other people, so that I will be rejected. I make sure that I am rejected on purpose. Of course, again this is not the proper way to solve a situation, so that is something that I still need to work on.
I clearly feel less tense. This has improved remarkably. In the past, I was tense nearly all the time. This has gone.
It is a little easier for me to make a decision. I am a little more confident that I will make the right decision and afterwards I am a little more confident that I have made the right decision.
I am a little more gentle to people who complain (all the time). I am also a little more gentle to myself.
I am less angry when I do not manage to find something.
Some additional aspects that need improvement.
I still have to improve my clinical reasoning and my memorization skills in order to be able to reproduce everything as accurately and as concisely as possible.
I quickly forget skills that I have just practised and knowledge that I have just learned.
It takes too much time for me to do a consultation and to report. I find it difficult to formulate data that I have obtained and to keep some structure in a patient’s examination. Other students are more skilled in using medical terms than I am and they find it easier to reproduce and use the knowledge than I do.
When I have to do a night shift, I am depressed and I feel lonely. The feeling has already improved a lot, but it is still there. When I am doing the night shift at the hospital, I feel like I do not belong.
The feeling that I do not belong, is a feeling that I have on a regular basis in diverse groups, as if I cannot connect with the group or as if I am an outsider and I cannot join in spontaneously. I still avoid some contacts when I am with a group of people, such as getting a drink together. I am afraid that I will not be able to keep up the small talk all the time.
When I have got stress and worries, I wake up too early in the morning.
